10.10.10 - In Ever Loving Memory of Mum, Grandma extraordinaire

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faitfulness continues through all generations." - Psalms 100:5

Why is it that after 12 months it still hurts? Why is it that after these months, the weeping and mourning have not ceased? The summer had passed and winter is here but we still talk about the warm of summer, of the smell of freshly cut grass, of the scent of the lilies. And for that matter we cannot stop talking about how lovely summer had been for us nor stop remembering it. Short it was for us, but extremely good.

Psalms 100:5 had been mum's favourite verse. In it, pregnant with the theology of the fullness of God's character. Goodness, love, and faithfulness are all immovable tenets of a graceful and "never promise breaking" covenantal God. In mum's life journey, she had found God to be so dependable, good, merciful, graceful, and trustworthy. A simple lady faces life's twisted complexity, trusting in God's unchanging word. A God she neither sees nor touches, but fills her whole being.

I could still remember that fateful Saturday morning, when I was on my way home from early morning church prayers and made a pit stop at the wet market for the week's supplies of vegetables and meat. My eldest brother's voice on the mobile phone was terse, serious,and broken, "M, no more already...." He broke down, and then it was my turn to. Till today we still mourn and weep over the passing away of this exceptional lady. We mourn a lady small in stature but with monumental goodness. And it has been a cold, damp winter for us ever since.

M reminded me of God. Full of goodness, full of love and full of faithfulness. Full of everything that represented God. Godly and god-centered. We had lost our fiercest loyal supporter, most fervent praying warrior, warmest earnest friend, gentlest and kindest mother (grandmother) to death. Looks like death always win. Does it? Just when death thought death won, our mother is now basking in glory in heavenly company living eternal life that she knew best, loving, giving, and praising, realising that the Lord of the Universe did not call her to be successful but to be faithful. Faithful she was. She never stopped callling us, whether we deserve it or not is another matter totally. Never stopped praying for us, never stopped giving her best to us, never stopped propping us up to the highest pedestals, never stopped encouraging us when our chips were down and never stopped taking us as the apples of her eyes when we were not in our best behaviours. On the eve of her death, she was calling everyone to eagerly announce one granddaughter's acceptance as a medical doctor. And the following morning, an angel died. Check with another granddaughter, and you know how M prayed that gave the former the assurance of things will be in His control. Check with my children and you know how faithfully she called me on each Sunday. Initially I had to outdo her by calling her earlier to save her phone call but decided to let her call on Sundays as it could be dictated by her time convenience but call her additionally on Wednesdays.

How do we ensure our tribute is not too little, when she had given her all. Not too plain, when she had been elaborate. Not too brief, when she had been detailed. She has stopped giving, and only at her death lazy chair, had she stopped giving. Only through the pangs of her death, "goodness" stopped, "giving" ceased, and "loving" turned from a verb to an adjective or whatever you called it. To be very sure, we can't. We can never do justice describing and remembering her limitless life with our limited words.

Death never won because she left behind a legacy. God continues to be faithful to us just as He had been faithful to her. How do we measure her 84 years of life? We measure her by her love. How do we measure her passionate devotion to her husband and her children? We measure it by her love. How do we measure her exuberance in giving? We measure it by her love. Love, gentleness and kindness marked her. A legacy of nothingness to the world but the world to the Father above. We are desirous to be characteristic of her in ways small or large, of her legacy to live on through us, and we want to stand up to be counted. Where, we trade kindness for rudeness, trade forgiveness for wrongdoing, generousity for stinginess, other centeredness for selfishness, sharing for hoarding, thoughtfulness for rashness, giving than receiving, gentleness for rudeness, tact for brash, and trade love for hate. And everytime a little of goodness, kindness, and gentleness grow in us, we turn less ugly and we become more like her, more like God, her legacy is more evident in us, and faitfulness prevails.

God is faithful. This is our mum's testament. And his faithfulness continues to our generation, to our children's generations, our children's children generation and beyond. If we have drifted away, He keeps looking out for us. If we have kept a not so desirable relation, He keeps faith and waits for us to turn back. If we have offended another, He keeps His grace intact knowing very well we need it in abundance. If we have started serving other gods, He remained the Lord of Universe dispensing mercy knowing we needed it most. He remained faithful until the day when he comes again, where he will also return as a Judge. The scandal of the gospel is this grace. This grace ensures that the foulest sinner is assured of salvation if he turns to him. This grace guarantees that whoever genuinely repents, no questions will be asked, full forgiveness granted. This grace confirms that our mum who has nothing much to show for in life except her faitfulness in serving her God, her husband, and her children, receives the crown of glory and the crown of righteousness, bringing forth the victorious paradoxical teachings of Jesus to the fore, where the poor shall be rich, the humble be exalted, the small be great, and the last be first. Our mum knew that, so I trust we must too!

On this anniversary of her death, we remember our mother, our grandmother, and we celebrate her godly life, and her legacy that will live on in us only if we choose to let it happen. And I continue to see M in all of us, when we love, serve, give and forgive.

Reflection during Holy Communion

Scripture Reference: John 18:33-38 1 Corin 11:23-30

We are told by Paul to take the bread and the wine and remember Jesus. Rememberance is not a sentimental nostalgia. Not reliving a glorious era or period over and over. A true act of remembering is the ability to connect the past with how we are faring now. It’s the ability to take a pivotal event in the past and apply the lessons to face today. The telling of the past instructs, informs and encourages us to live in the present in the light of the past. Take for example, the events of the racial riots of May 13 in the past, helps us to never take each racial group for granted. We remember May 13 as a painful event and guard and check ourselves today to exercise restraint, tolerance & respecting each other as it is too painful and too great a cost to go through it again.

Likewise remembering the sacrifice of Jesus’ body and blood as the perfect lamb for our sins marks an important and loving event 2000 years ago, and begs a questions, what does it mean for us today?

That brings us to the Pontius Pilate’s question before Jesus, “What is truth?” The truth of the matter is, Pilate is not interested in truth. He is interested in keeping peace in his obscure Jewish outpost, so that his career will not be jeopardized. He asks the question, but does not wait for the answer. For he had waited and pondered and listened to the voice of faith than to the voice of the crowd, he would have consider the Way, the Truth, and the Life standing in front of him. Perhaps he asked out of sarcasm, perhaps he asked a question ahead of his time. A question which perhaps more apt and fitting for our times, in today’s sophiscated and technologically savvy world.

The world today asks also the question, “What is truth?” And the truth is, sometimes we are also guilty of being more concerned about keeping peace and happiness than righteousness and holiness, about thinking much about ourselves than thinking much of others, about receiving than giving, about going our own ways than submitting our ways to Christ Jesus.

This morning we remember Jesus’ sacrificial act on the cross through his broken body and shedding of his blood, we bring this past event and try to connect and integrate it in our lives today. We ask not, “What is truth?” for we are already followers of the Truth, but how has truth being evident in our lives, being applied in our lives and how has Christ being seen in every facet of our lives… that is the question we ask this morning. We shall ponder this question for a while and allow ourselves to answer that question in our hearts before our Lord…..

A Day in Kem National Service - 4 Jan 2009

He came running towards us. His awkward way of running confirms that it was AG. He looked smart in his light blue uniform and his shiny black shoes. He never had a pair of black 'leather' shoes and now we don't have to buy one. His mum's eyes were already like wells of water. Hers were not the only pair of eyes wet. His hair trimmed soldier short. When informed of our arrival, he was washing his clothes. He slumped in a plastic chair and related his experience thus far in Kem Terkok, Sg Siput. Between the tone of his voice, and his choice of words, it doesn’t take a psychologist that know that he is expressing his disappointment and aches. Let’s face it, life is hard at National Service. No wonder many shirk it. From little food to deplorable living conditions, little sleep and constant marching under the hot sun that makes your legs weak and your body faint. Truth be told, it’s an ulu place.

The main road you see is Lintang which is a sub road from Sungai Siput. A small signboard is all you get to give you a hint that Kem Terkok is 1.5 km from this signboard. The small road accessible to only one way of vehicle at a time passes through rubber plantations and palm oil plantations. AG had said that its so ulu to deter anyone from escaping :-).

We started our journey at 6:50 am and reached the campsite at 10 am. The highway in the morning was covered with mist, like the fog you experience in England, especially on the Perak stretch. There were already a couple of families there visiting when we arrived. They page for him, “Sila mengambil perhatian, di kehendaki wira Ahh Moosss datang ke kawasan lawatan sebab keluarga anda sedang menunggu.” We had heard a fair share of people mispronouncing his name. We had to call him on his phone as he had not heard the announcement, after all he was focusing hard on washing his clothes. We were elated to see him.

The long blue roof houses the meeting area, while the smaller blue roof in the foreground of the picture houses the sundry shop. A can of coke goes for RM1.70 (not too bad). Yes, folks if you didn't bring a pail for washing clothes along, you can even get it there for RM6! We cannot venture beyond the coconut tress.

Now comes the hard test. We had wanted to bring AG out for the day but they wouldn’t allow. Prior to that we had prayed that we would be able to bring him out. Despite reasoning, they still said no. I could tell that Amos was ultra disappointed. They said that the Kem Kommander was away and no one to give the approval. Fair enough, I asked for the 2nd in command then, they replied that he is also out. In an organization and set up that relies on a chain of command and authority, I reasoned again that then I should see the 3rd person in command in the Kem. This went on for a few minutes. After that, he said, “tunggu sekejap…” my hopes were raised. We left the camp at 10:30 am with AG after he gobbled down a piece of cake. The family beside our table came to enquire what forms are we filling up. They thought we were filling up the early release letter/form for CNY. No, we told them we had written a letter for that already and we brought along to get them to acknowledge receipt.

We explored Sungai Siput town which is about 10 km away. We went for “chee chong fun” for breakfast and went to THE STORE to browse some items. Then we went to the most expensive restaurant in Sg Siput, the KFC restaurant :-). Had lunch there, and proceeded to have some cendul, probably best in town. No, we did not see Samy Vellu. Later went to a hypermarket to buy some items and guess what, it is time to bring him back to the camp already, as we promised he would be back at 4 pm.

We discovered that God's favour is upon AG as we experienced the following:-

a. trainers were helpful, friendly, and polite

b. we were able to go out despite the rules (later found out from AG that we were the only family that able to go out of all the 90 odd families that came that day)

c. good dorm mates despite different races (that is the aim of this national integration thingy, right?)

d. little but powerful events that lets him know that God is in his midst

Sorry I don't have the permission to post his picture taken with his mum as I need to respect his privacy and wishes especially with his new hair style.

We find that suddenly many youths are Christians because it will guarantee you out of the Kem on Sundays 3-5 pm. You have only a Catholic or a Mandarin speaking Chinese Methodist Church to choose from. They don't believe that "bananas" can be Christians :-). My son related on Jan 1, new year's day, some youth requested the authorities to send the youths out for church service. After arriving there in the church premises and finding it closed, the driver proceeded to give the youths a lecture and tongue lashing. The quick thinking youth resorted to telling him that "Gereja besar besar di Selangor semua ada mesyuarat dan servis!" :-) While I do not condone the half truths, I must admit there is always ingenuinity in trying to get the authorities to let them out.

We miss him very much!

National Service teaches to trust God both parents and trainee. Trust Him to be in control for things outside your control. They say you will have a "man back from national service." I would like to add that you have a "person who trusts God" back from National Service.

It is hard to be in national service, that is why I sms all YA youths assigned to NS every weekend as a way of encouraging them and spurring them on in the Lord!

Emmanuel!

Rekekah leaving home

It was a loud crack of a kitchen pot dropping. I must have dozed off for half an hour from the entire night of tossing and turning. My normal fluffy and comfortable bed offered me no solace this time around. I had awoken feeling more tired than if I had not dozed off. I spent the cool night thinking about the warm farewell party the night before, and the numerous hugs and well wishes I received. Last night many tears have flowed, but I wasn’t sure they were tears of sadness to see me go or tears of joy for a new chapter in my life unfolding or even both.

My heart is heavy, my body numbed, and I seemed to have a grasshopper hopping in my stomach providing uneasiness, discomfort every other minute, and endless pain that permeates my entire body.

The sun is not up yet and won’t be for another hour or two. I realized that the sound from the kitchen, was mama feverishly preparing a favourite dish to accompany my journey. She had wanted me to sleep in and not to help her as preannounced the night before. I lit a candle which quickly lights up every corner of my room. I stared at my packed bag, and run my hand through my soft dress and scarf. I am leaving home, the thought sank deep. I can’t help but feel that every item in my bag reminds me of a part of me here. Even more odd is that I know that a strange bend of a branch that I will see elsewhere will bring to thought the ladle mama uses in the kitchen. Likewise, a smoothened surfaced rock will remind me of the small flat dressing table that papa had it made for me when I was 12. To see a high forehead of a stranger will immediately bring to mind papa’s maidservant. The sight of a lily will bring images of papa gathering a bunch of lilies on the sideboard every Wednesdays.

Admittedly leaving home for the first time is hard, painfully hard. What more leaving papa, mama, and Laban my brother. They are awesomely gracious to me, for I know they are acting brave, and remaining strong for my sake.

I had secretly and partially wished that mama or papa would have objected to allowing me to follow this stranger back. He said he was sent by his master to seek for a wife for his son. Frankly, I didn’t know giving him and his 10 filthy and stinking camels water to be nourished was in fact a selection criteria. How odd! A serious and noble decision based on a simple act. Any lady would have done that simple gesture.

At the party last night I heard whispers of accusation against my parents judgment in believing such simplistic story of a wife seeking entourage. They shrudded at the thought of a beauty maiden in the hands of a total stranger. And the only collateral he had was a reference to a great uncle whom we had not seen in ages. Anyone could have played up that story for evil gain.

Truth be told, I actually believed his story. Maybe it was the intensity that he told it and the excitement seen in his eyes without dropping from ours once. But more importantly I believed the story of the God of my great uncle who tries to weave his hand in my great uncle’s life and promised him a nation as many as the sand of the sea. Ironically a father of many offspring cannot find a wife for his son. My family requested that I stayed a further 10 days to ensure our goodbyes were long and complete. However, the servant pleaded otherwise. I was surprised I was given to right to arbitrate over it. I chose to go immediately. If you have seen that pair of eyes, you would have understood why.

Sure, I would be lying if I said I have never thought how the son looked. Would he be handsome? Wouldn’t it be every girls dream of marrying one? What about romance? Would he be ugly? Would he be strong or would he be frail, with his two front teeth protruding out even when lips are sealed. Would he have a high & sharp nose, bright eyes, and long wavy soft hair. Would he treat me and my maids well? Would he be gentle, kind, loving and caring? Would he be a spoiled brat of a millionaire’s son that you know so well about? Frankly I am not sure, my heart is stirred with anticipation and soured with fear. I am entrust it to the greater Scheme of things. The Lord of Abraham my great uncle will surely make it well even if things are considered unwell for me.

Mama has taught me well socially among many things. I consoled myself to think that I shall never be lonely even if I was alone. I am well liked and I draw friends like bees to honey. My personality ensures that I relate to people well. What a blessing to have!

Now I am about to be thrusted into the future. My fears of the unknown, of a new environment and surrounding, of a new schedule to keep, of the transition from a lady to a women, of the new role I am set to play, and of serving a total stranger and pleasing a man who’s personality I know not, sends a shiver down my spine.

However, at the same time, I have a strong hunch that this feelings are actually blessings dressed in the clothes of fear. I am at the dawn of a new morning, of a journey, of an adventure, of possibilities, of new friendships, of new relationships, of new challenges, of new trust in my faith, and of an encounter with the God of my great uncle Abraham, where fears are only a precursor, an onion for me to peel to get to the blessing, and a small membrane for my blessing to break free from and avail itself and to be experienced in fullness.

“Rebekah”, I heard mama called me, breaking the silence, “its time for your blessed transition to begin.” Perhaps that sums up everything about leaving home.

Glory be to the God of Abraham!

Governance Structure Model

I am the type that I needed a picture (or a model) first before I can write anything. Perhaps I am a pictorial person versus audio one.

My first attempt at a Governance Structure Model. Essentially this model describe how we can govern the implementation well for the customer. 4 rectangles and 4 ovals and cost a couple of millions? hmmm.....

See whether you can make sense of the below:-

(cannot seemed to upload it....will get it to jpg format and try again)

Another day

This morning, I contacted my boss to let him know that I wanted to work from home today....then I realised that I had left the laptop in the office...which made me looked like a fool to contact him again to say that I am going into the office.

Back in the office, my boss came to see me and said, "I need your help...." a.k.a "here's work for you to do." Wanted me to write a governance structural plan for a multi million dollar bid for a implementation out of Singapore. I am still a bit blur of what is to be written. He thinks I have a magical wand that can whip words into a plan and document. See me soooo UP! :-) Well....actually he thinks I don't have much to do. Actually, goreng lor.... and do a song and dance. Anyway, whatever requested of me I will do a good job, that's a promise.

Bought 3 books again on Monday..... No. 791 already. Oh dear when can I finish reading all my books? Latest one, "Shadow and Chivalry" is on a commentary on C S Lewis and George MacDonald on their fantasical writings relating to Suffering, Pain and Goodness.

Didn't know that both Lewis and MacDonald lost their mothers when they were very young.

Anyway I wish you all a good day...

What to do when you don't know what to do?

Well...it has been a long while since I last posted.... will try to dust off my fingers and start typing else I be stricken with alhziemer?

Have you ever been in that situation? Not knowing what to do when you are in a dire situation? Like now? What to do, huh, when my "tai kor" (a.k.a Uncle Eric) has moved on to other ministries from the YA? Or that future is so uncertain with my working contract expiring prematurely and the prospect of the need of funds for college studies. Or the not feeling that well physically situation? The feeling of the heart weighing a tonne of bricks, and the lips could offer only dry words. One turns to prayer and scriptures as a form of antidote and the silence has never been more deafening. That heavy and helpless feeling does not abate. If my theology is right, it is not supposed to. My propensity to trust should increase, but, feeling, no!

What do you do when you do not know what to do? You wrestle? Wrestle? Just like Jacob? Yes, just like Jacob wrestled with God. Ronn Dunn (author of When Heaven is Silent) described a situation when he could not recognised his postman in an airport just because he was not in uniform. Is life like that too? Often we could not recognise a thing because it was wrapped in a different package. A blessing is not recognised when wrapped in a difficulty. Who can see beyond a failed exam? What blessing can come in a failed exam? Isn't that how our finite mind would argue?

Twenty years have passed, since the conman, Jacob, cheated his brother of his birth right and blessings. And Jacob now stands at the edge of the stream of Jabbok, after he received news that his brother Esau and his entourage of 400 men is set to meet him. He is unsure whether Esau has forgiven him. Jacob breaks his own entourage into 2, sending his family ahead to mitigate the risk. There at the edge of Jabbok he spent his night alone with his miseries, with his insecurities, with his "what to do when you don't know what to do" feelings. Genesis 32 tells us his blessings came admidst his struggles and wrestles with the angel. If you have seen a Olympic wrestling contest before, you realised that contestants throw everything at each other. The contest highlights your strength, yet, it also exposes your weaknesses. You appear to gain the upper hand, within that same breath, you are interlocked in a helpless grip and stranglehold by your opponent. That is how wrestling is supposed to be. God and us in a wrestling match and we throw everything at each other. We throw our complaints and our immaturities, He throws His often miscontrued-by-us loving actions.

I had often wondered how would an angel lose to a human in a wrestling match, unless..., unless the former had wanted the latter to win. At the breaking of dawn, God who was with Jacob through his entire wrestling episode, showed Jacob, a face not of fear and hopelessness, but a face of love to Jacob. His limp reminded him vividly of his blessing.

What am I do when I don't know what to do, Lord? I don't know, but I do know that you are with me AND you often package your blessings in different forms with or without a limp. Amen.